God faces dope wrap
Drugs diary evidence of substance abuse
by Our calm and measured Daily Mail correspondent
London police today announced the arrest of The Lord God following the appearance of a damning document apparently detailing several thousand years of substance abuse by the cult religious leader and his followers.
The crackdown is a result of concern over the impact of the lax drugs policy implemented in the London borough of Lambeth last year, which has seen crime fall and police spend time on the streets.
The guide — called simply “The Bible” — seems to indicate that much of Mr God’s activity was carried out while under the influence of drugs. One senior officer told is: “I’ve never tried drugs myself but this book clearly demonstrates that the author was on a drug-induced trip.”
Areas of particular interest to the authorities include chapters where everyone speaks in tongues, gnashes their teeth, see visions and communicate with burning bushes. “That’s just not normal,” the officer told us. He also cast doubt on one of the main tenets of the book: “Creating the world in seven days is simply not possible under usual sober conditions. My aunt’s bungalow in Croydon took seven months to build and it’s only got one bathroom.” Insiders have also pointed to the existence of the platypus as further evidence of drug-taking.
A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police said that Mr God was currently being questioned over the book and added that he hoped that this wouldn’t jeopardise his chance to gain eternal salvation.
Local Tory MP, Otto Tunist, commented: “I think that this indicates how far the Labour government has failed the people of Britain. Under a Conservative Government, we would increase funding tenfold to address this problem, recruit more police, give all UK citizens a fiver and hang every third refugee.”
Legal experts have warned though that God may get off on a technicality — no one can prove that he wrote the book. “We will be arguing that this Bible was in fact written by a series of individuals working autonomously and without direction from Mr God,” God’s lawyer told us. “As such, there is not charge to bring against my client.”
Theologians also doubt the case will be successful due to considerations of practicality. “Even if they did find him guilty, jailing him would prove impossible,” one told us. “That’s one of the advantages of being omnipresent.”
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